A Wobble

rain

As the hours pass ever more slowly towards AF, all I can think about is this big decision and whether it is the right one.

I read back over the early entries in this blog. This is what I wrote a few days after finding out I was pregnant 17 months ago:

We um-ed and ah-ed for months and I kept trying to tell myself two was enough, and now that I actually am pregnant with number three, I am totally, completely, head over heels in love with him/her and couldn’t have imagined it ever being any other way.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today.

It has rained non-stop here since I woke up, and it just fits my mood so perfectly.

10 thoughts on “A Wobble

  1. Rose-of course, I am miles away and only know you virtually 🙂 but I have really gotten involved in your life through your posts. I may be totally off base and please tell me but I think you are putting so much pressure on yourself. If you aren’t ready to stop trying, then don’t. But if you do keep trying maybe stop all of the ovulation testing and thinking on it so much. Maybe you could not get on the pill but tell yourself that you are no longer actively trying. Maybe then you could enjoy life and focus on your new goals while still leaving that door open. I am afraid if you get on the pill you will always wonder “what if?” I wish you all the best Rose and hope you can find peace with whatever you decide. xo

    • I couldn’t agree woth Kerry more although I do understand the battle you face in not “actively” trying. You feel you can’t help yourself tracking all those things. I wish you a clear head and a light heart and that I was able to give you a nice big hug X

    • I wish I was the sort of person who could not try (but not prevent). I have always been a planner, list-maker and organiser. I couldn’t do it! I should probably post less – every time I feel an emotion I pour it out into this blog, which probably makes me seem a little bi-polar, but a lot of what I feel tends to be a storm in a teacup. On a day to day basis, I’m actually reasonably normal 😉 Thank you for caring and for taking the time to talk to me. I could not have gotten through this journey without you all X

      • Good morning Rose, I was looking for your email address so I could email and not write a novel in your comments 😉 I do not for one second think you are unstable in anyway. Believe me, I am probably much better at giving advice than following it. I think you seem happy too! I understand that writing in a blog can make us often feel misunderstood because we pour our emotions into our writing and sometimes it seems extreme when in reality we are living happy day to day lives. I know from some comments I receive on my writings, I am afraid people think I am some heavy, over-analyzing person…which I am (ha!) but I also laugh a lot and have a lot of fun. Anyway, enough about me, I just want you to know that I can relate as I am a planner too. In fact, I stress each month about the opposite thing…being pregnant because I don’t want anymore. I analyze any differences in skin, mood, or other physical and emotional feelings. And it wasn’t that easy for us to get pregnant and I had a miscarriage before pregnant with my son. SO, I guess my point here is, I can relate with you, I am not judging you, I think you are great and hope that the next few days are easy and swift 🙂 Much love

        • Eeee sorry – I keep meaning to sort out a contact form, but just haven’t gotten around to it. Thank you – your words are very honest and I didn’t think you were judging me at all. I know sometimes the written word can sound different to the spoken word, but please don’t worry – I love every one of your comments and I think we are similar in many ways! I’m just grateful to have you reading what I write 🙂

  2. I agree with Kerry (I had to look on your blog for your name 😉 ), if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Don’t force yourself. Healing takes time.. The journey is yours, & your time.

    You take as long as you need. No one can rush you. You know yourself the best. Lead yourself for yourself.
    (if that makes sense…) hugs…

  3. Hugs Rose, this is not an easy journey. But honestly, if it doesn’t feel right, or if you’re hesitating, then don’t do it. Take each day at a time if that feels good. We want your happiness more than anything and it won’t matter how you get there. You can make and break any decision as often as you need to. I doubt this can be a straightforward decision for anyone. Ever. xx

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