9 Weeks – Pulling Myself Together

Psychologically, reaching 9 weeks was a big deal this morning. Over the last week I even dreamt I was bleeding so it was really heavily preying on my mind.

I don’t want to tempt fate, but I feel just a tiny bit more secure at this point. We’ve passed the period that the majority of first tri miscarriages happen in, and I’ve only lost a baby later than this once, so I think we’re getting onto safer ground.

Meds wise, I am off the progesterone (they said any time after 8 weeks was fine, but gave me enough for ten. I didn’t feel like I needed it at all, and was so glad to stop – massive hurrah for that), and I’m now tapering the prednisolone.

Symptoms wise I am suffering diarrhea still, and I didn’t realise it can be a withdrawal symptom from the prednisolone. My whole gut just seems to ache and I’ve woken up with cramps the last two mornings. So, I’m still highly dubious of the meal we had on Saturday, but the steroid withdrawal is probably not helping things.

I’ve also worked out that my sickness is correlated with WHAT I eat. Anything sugary or carb-heavy leaves me wanting to cry and confined to the sofa/bed trying not to move because the nausea is so bad. If I eat fruit, veg, or protein (cheese, nuts or meat), I get a peak of sickness about an hour after eating but it is manageable and subsides. It’s taken me ages to work this out because I have been eating everything in sight, non-stop.

I’m now a) trying to be more mindful and not eat just because I feel ill (counter-intuitive, but it’s like constant hangover sickness that you think a fry-up will cure). And b) really think carefully about whether I want it before I put anything in my mouth. I’ve also started the protocol outlined in the book I mentioned before. I’ve gotten into really bad habits, even drinking soda (which I NEVER touch), because I’m thirsty but water makes me feel ill. My stomach aches, my skin has started to suffer and I just feel horrible most of the day. I’m hoping 30 days of strictly plants and organic meat will sort out my insides. We’ll see. Even if I can’t stick to it completely, it should get me back on track to better eating again.

So, all is, quite miraculously, well.

My absolute gratitude, and shock that we are where we are is overwhelming at times. I literally cannot believe that this is happening, after everything. After three years of loss, loss, loss, this is just such a huge thing to process. I know there is still a LONG way to go, and anything can (and frequently does) happen, but so far things couldn’t have been any smoother. I am terrified of enjoying it. I am terrified of losing it. But most of all, I am starting to develop genuine hope that I’ll actually be bringing a baby home in 7 months.

The universe has slapped me down at this point before… but until that happens, we move forward in little 24 hour blocks, edging slowly towards a future I had accepted was never going to happen.

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