I had to post this, ’cause I couldn’t bear the thought of speculation on whether I might actually get pregnant this month.
Basically over the last couple of days any feeling I had that something might happen has completely dissolved. Whatever it was (foolish hope?), has gone. I am 100% convinced I am not pregnant. I feel exactly the same as I have done every other month.
So much so that I had a long overdue Big Cry yesterday and poured myself a massive glass of wine in the evening (really, after all this time, I don’t even know why I would bother with a pregnancy test. What a useless skill I have learnt).
The Big Cry started as a bit of a row with my husband and ended up with me sobbing my heart out upstairs while DS2 slept and DS1 watched TV. I cried and cried and cried. Even DH cried. It was our goodbye.
I cried for everything: the way I feel so defeated, the anger at why it didn’t happen, the complete lack of ANY explanation – we must be the only 100% healthy couple in the world, who have actually already had two children but for NO APPARENT REASON cannot have any more.
As I said to DH, if I had PCOS, endometriosis, anti-phospholipid syndrome, lupus, a bicornuate uterus, was obese, anorexic, dyslexic, whatever (ok maybe not dyslexic), then at least there would be a REASON.
Instead, it’s just going to come to an uneventful and silent end, after 18 months of tears and trauma and NO ONE KNOWS WHY.
After my Big Cry, I felt a lot better.
And this morning I didn’t bother reaching for the thermometer.
And I am sorry that my posts have been so maudlin of late.
Happier things are on the horizon (surely), and you really don’t have to say anything. Really. No comments please – I’m not after sympathy or understanding, I’m just ranting because it makes things clearer inside my own head.
Besides, it’s going to be a long 6 days, and I might end up posting about how crap this is 6 more times yet 😉