I lost hope this morning. The little flame I’ve been carefully nurturing for the last 9 days has gone. I’m too tired, too angry, too sad.
My temperature this morning was down again to 98.3, which is only just above my coverline of 98.1 this month. I’ve had yet more disgusting brown sludge falling away from my insides today, just like my other 6.5 week losses. No red any more after two days of rest. An SCH was my answer to what’s happening, but today, with all the brown, and the lower temp, I think I know that’s not the case. My body chucks out pregnancies like old rubbish these days, so why should this one be any different.
Hope just seems futile. And I’m so fucked off. I think that now my birthday is out of the way, I can face up to what’s happening. Again. And I just want to know why. Why the FUCK didn’t it work, again? What the fuck is so wrong with me that I defy all logic and all statistics and lose pregnancy after pregnancy, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with me? And most incredibly of all, how did I EVER carry two babies to term?!?
I called the Early Pregnancy Unit again today, in desperation, and left a tearful, emotional message. An hour later they called me back. And not just anyone, but the lady I dealt with during my previous loss, who was so compassionate and kind. She has booked me in for a scan tomorrow at 3:30pm because I am one of their recurrent miscarriage ladies, so I can be scanned before 7 weeks. She said A&E should have referred me on Monday.
Anyway – the scan is not guaranteed – she will call me if the consultant cannot squeeze me in as she booked a slot that had a question mark over it. In that case it will be Monday.
I felt relieved once I knew I was booked in, but also it cemented my fears of it all being over. I know that tomorrow there will be nothing good to hear.
My scan will show one of the following:
1. An empty sac
2. A fetal pole, no heartbeat
3. Nothing (too small to detect).
My money is on A.
I just want this to be over. I want all the crap out of my body. Why does it always take me so fucking long to miscarry??
At least after tomorrow I won’t have to feel bad for giving up hope.
It’ll be a relief to know I don’t have to any more.
I’ll update after my scan tomorrow. Maybe then I will feel grief, but right now it’s just white hot rage.