27 February 2018

I must be getting more sleep as I’m not blogging so desperately with updates, lol! Things have settled down quite a lot now F is in with me. She has started talking in her sleep before she wakes up and I think she is a really vivid dreamer because she will often say something (usually about food), and then get upset and wake up. However she settles back pretty quickly with me there, so it’s probably as good as it’s going to get for now. I still like to be in bed by 9pm, which is okay as it’s just me and the three kiddos.

I have picked up the family photo books again, and I’ve just finished 2013 (so that’s 5 books – 2009-2013 – done). I restarted after a long break because I was doing a big clear out of the conservatory. It houses our filing cabinet and inside was loads of artwork and kids stuff from preschool. I knew I just had to get these photobooks FINISHED because leaving them just makes for a horrible backlog (like the one I’m facing).

I’m on a bit of a mission at the moment to simplify the house further and reduce the number of projects I always seem to have ongoing, so the books have been occupying every spare moment.

Completing 2013 was a relief. It was a tough year: three miscarriages, the death of my nan, I was attacked by a dog out running, two friends had pregnancies, baby showers and babies, we did a long weekend away with some people I later realised were not really very good friends and we went on a family holiday with my in-laws where Steve and I argued almost all week. I was so lonely and tired and sad that year – how the fuck I ended up persevering and finally having F in 2015 I actually cannot fathom.

I felt really quite down while going through all the photos and although it is a lovely album with some wonderful pictures of the boys there is an underlying sadness to the whole year and I remember every event and how I felt inside even though I didn’t display it.

I vowed to myself last night that I will never, ever again pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. I will never put on a smiley face to keep relatives and friends happy and avoid making other people feel uncomfortable. It was utterly exhausting and such a hard, hard year. People in general have been far more helpful and concerned over our recent marital separation than they were over my miscarriages and haemorrhages and hospitalisations. People generally speak to me about it as though someone has died, when in fact it is the death of a marriage, not a person.

Maybe it is because the subject of miscarriage is too personal and uncomfortable, whereas relationships break down all the time. People know what they are expected to say when talking about relationships. They understand.


The photobook mission is back on.

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