On Monday I reached 28 weeks pregnant. The third trimester! I still have a long twelve weeks to wait before meeting this baby, but getting close to half of me is now anticipating that we will actually get there without something going wrong.
The boys are heading back to, and starting, school, so for the first time in 6 years, my days will very soon be my own. I am both nervous and excited at ‘starting over’ with a new baby. Nervous because it will be another 5 years from now before my youngest will be at school and I will be 45 by then (eek). Will I cope with 5 more years of sleep deprivation, tantrums, and awful toddler and baby groups?? I have not always found motherhood to be the easiest of responsibilities. Will I look old and ancient in the playground compared to other mothers? I have struggled, deep down, with the appearance of grey hairs and wrinkles – they make me sad. Then on the other hand, despite my rapidly advancing age (and the fact that I never, ever, planned to have babies in my early 40s), I am eagerly excited to do it all over again. This time with the wisdom and (hopefully) calm that comes from experience, and of course with boundless gratitude that we have been able to do this at all, given our chances seemed pretty much nonexistent at one point.
I haven’t got another midwife appointment until I am 30 weeks pregnant, and in total in 6 months of this pregnancy I have seen a midwife just three times. I know this is in part down to me booking in so late, but I have not been called for the whooping cough vaccine, nor for a glucose tolerance test… I am feeling a little like I’ve just been left to get on with it. My husband says if it was the other way around I would be complaining about people hassling me when it wasn’t necessary, and he is probably right.
However, I am starting to feel nervous about the birth. With my oldest son I haemorrhaged so rapidly and so badly that I lost consciousness, ended up in theatre, needed an emergency blood transfusion and manual removal of the placenta. With my second son I had the same issue with the placenta, and another massive haemorrhage. I have all the usual concerns about the birth, but I am absolutely terrified about how we are going to get the placenta out. I will research this once the boys are at school and make a plan, and a backup plan, and a backup, backup plan, but I am frightened and there is no real way for me to appease that fear. Given that one of my miscarriages also resulted in a haemorrhage so bad I was in hospital for three days on nil-by-mouth with another emergency blood transfusion, I think I can safely say that my concerns are very real and they need to be addressed by the staff at the hospital so that they can plan for what might be.
Sigh. I’m feeling a little down this morning. Can you tell? In other news, my weight gain at 28 weeks stands at 8.2kg, or 18lbs. My pelvic pain is dull and constant and this baby feels very low compared to the boys at this stage. I want to do more exercise, but anything, even walking, aggravates my pelvis. In all honesty, I’m ready to have the baby now. 40 weeks (+3 days as it was for the boys) can’t come soon enough. Having spent so long trying and trying and trying, and having failed pregnancies over and over, all we want is for this baby to arrive safely. I won’t be sad to be leaving pregnancy behind, which is a feeling I never had with my second. I won’t be sad to be focused on family life and never have to worry about peeing on a fucking stick ever, ever, EVER again. I have already started to clear out old maternity clothes that no longer fit – I am saving nothing this time around and it gives me a sense of immense freedom to know that we are moving forward and will not be repeating this, that all the clutter and paraphernalia and pregnancy STUFF can all just be let go.
When the kids are older I want to travel with them, see the world, to do all the things that we haven’t even thought of for three years because we have only had one focus – completing our family. The husband and I have come up with a plan to attempt to pay our mortgage off early. It’s a crazy plan, but we both realise that the financial freedom this would give us would be life-changing. We can see the future now, and make plans, and I feel in awe of the pleasure that this gives us – something that as a couple now we have ignored and ignored and ignored, until we ‘got number three sorted’.
So, final words (gosh, I’ve written a lot – I didn’t mean to write an essay this morning). As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been consolidating everything digitally. I’ve gone back to using the Day One app as a record of thoughts and statuses, and it now has new functionality that lets me share to twitter, Facebook, linked in or whatever I like. I LOVE this, as it’s a central private database and I can share the information I want to share really easily. So, I’ve managed to delete un-needed profiles and tidy up my method of recording and sharing things.
Blogging-wise, I’ll almost certainly write here until the baby is born, but as I already mentioned I’m moving over to a new blog where I’m going to share as the Real Me – part of my larger plan to bring the fractured parts of my personality together. We’ve reduced so much in the house, and I’ve cleared away/given up so many other projects that were consuming my energy in a negative way, that I’ve suddenly found time and motivation to do things I’ve been putting off for years. I’ve started writing again, and am working on a novel, which I’m really enjoying, especially as I’ve been meaning to do it since my brief encounters with success and publication last year. I’ve been a better mother, as I am stressing less about all the things I have to do (because the list is drastically reduced). I should update my impossible list, as I’ve ticked off a lot of things on there recently. I may move this onto my new blog. We’ll see.
One last thing, I saw a counsellor last week for my first session and it went well. She is a lovely lady, who bore just the right expression of concern as I talked nine-to-the-dozen for 50 minutes, including some uncontrollable sobbing where I literally couldn’t speak. I will blog about this separately – it’s still early days and my second appointment is this evening. I have no idea where we’re going to go with what I’ve told her, so we’ll see what happens.
And I think that’s about it 🙂 I’ve had a wonderful summer with the boys. I’m psyching myself up to actually order some real, physical, baby things (we still only have a moses basket and no newborn clothes, baby bouncer, pram or anything else). I’m writing. I’m feeling relaxed in my free time. I’m content. For the first time in so, so, SO long, I’m just content when I sit down and everything is still. It’s such a peaceful feeling it makes me want to cry with the beauty and simplicity of it. I feel endless, endless gratitude that life has reached this point, and that somehow I have been given the chance to be here. I can feel the autumn in the air, the close of another summer, nature’s final push before settling in for the long winter, and I am welcoming this change with open arms. Autumn has always been my favourite season. Darker nights, colder days, the stillness and inactivity. I want to gather my whole family around me, to stay warm and close until spring returns.