Day 7/14 When You Just Want To Cry

standingtall

I’ll explain the giraffe later.

 

You know why I want to cry? In fact, that’s a moot question because I am crying, and I cried a lot yesterday too.

Because I’m so sad and angry about how the last 2.5 years have turned out.

I am wallowing in a great big pool of feeling sorry for myself at the moment, and you know what?

It’s okay.

The future perfect me, the one that I always think of when I am at my lowest point, the one who has all her shit together no matter what’s going on in her life, she tells me that it’s ok. And so it is. It’s completely okay to cry your heart out for losing so many pregnancies. It’s completely okay to feel cheated, angry, bitter, exhausted and numb from the relentless pain. It’s completely okay to cry and cry and cry for catching a too-small-to-be-born baby in the palm of your hand in the midst of a bloody miscarriage.

I had hopes this month, with all the cramps and twinges, it felt hopeful.

But yesterday morning, it all came to a stop. And total radio silence has resumed.

Having been pregnant 10 times (5 of those didn’t even make 72 hours after implantation), I pretty much know that total silence from my uterus means NO PREGNANCY.

And I’ve walked around with such a heavy heart for the last 24 hours.

Because I really know, deep down, that it’s time to stop this. And I knew that at the start of this month, because to be honest, our trying consisted of two very perfunctory BDs and I was relieved when it was done.

So I’m grieving.

Grieving for the unfairness of everything I’ve been through. For the lost dream. For every time I’ve imagined five of us sat around the dinner table. For the fact that despite trying hard, I couldn’t make it happen. I failed.

Me – with my grammar school education and two degrees, my problem solving skills and my excellent grasp of english and maths, with my ability to dig deep and find reserves even when they aren’t there, to manage 36 hours of hard labour with no pain relief, to smile at the midwife when she sewed me up, to keep it together in the face of my mother’s attempted suicide, to cycle 1800km across Europe, to bunji jump off of Victoria Falls in Africa, to win £4000 back in bank charges for my little brother (don’t even ask), and to raise two boys, 21 months apart without a single piece of support or help from anyone other than my husband. Capable me – the person I believed could do anything I put my mind to, no matter what.

I failed to have a third baby.

This hurts me. As much as the loss of my third child does. It’s a broken dream AND a failure on my part.

So I am grieving.

But I don’t have trying in me any more.

I can’t stick to a healthy diet because the anger just keeps bubbling up and sabotaging my efforts – the anger that says other people can eat shit, and drink, and smoke, and still get pregnant, so what’s the deal?

I’m done with trying, and I think, deep down, I can accept that.

I’m going to take a break from this blog, and from all things pregnancy and baby.

I will pop back in a few months (maybe for my 40th birthday in December!) and let you know how I’m doing.

But for now, I need to learn how to be me without all of this.

So, just to reassure you that I am in fact, alright, this is what the next few months, getting back on my feet, are going to be like for me:

standingup

But hopefully next time we speak I will be more like this:

standingtall

Love and light to you all.

Day 5/14

The two week wait continues.

  1. Clean the entire house, including the entire bathroom, from top to bottom –started
  2. Sort out the kids artwork mountain in the spare room
  3. Write at least one short story for a future competition
  4. Finish my Tomb Raider video (I’m making a montage of my own in-game play) 19.9.14
  5. Finish the Glen Duncan book I am reading – started
  6. Finish the Networking book (computers, not people. Me? Network? Ha ha) I am reading.
  7. Do two more meal plans and online shop orders – done 1 of 2
  8. Go to a second gym class, in addition to my Monday night class – booked
  9. Reply to my friend’s email who I haven’t seen in ages. 19.9.14
  10. Reach inbox zero (again) 19.9.14
  11. Complete four levels of Tomb Raider – done 2 of 4
  12. Dig up all the flagstones in the garden and move the table onto the patio – done 1/2
  13. Tidy up the garage and put the kids garden toys away for the year. 21.9.14
  14. Create some screen shots for the app I want to develop.

So, since my last post I’ve made a start on number 5 (finish book), done half of number 7 (meal plan), done half of number 11 (tomb raider levels), half of number 12 (garden flagstones), and completed number 13 (tidy garage and put garden toys away for the year).

Phew.

I’ve been really busy. And happy.

But I am also really struggling not to symptom spot. Mainly because, unlike last month where my uterus was basically silent for 14 days, this month I’ve had twinges and cramps non-stop since ovulation.

It’s like my uterus is saying Oh you think you can ignore me, do you? Well, take that and see if you still can!

And my lower back is really aching and now my boobs have chimed in with a bit of soreness at the sides.

Of course, it’s still only 5dpo (although I’ve talked about early pregnancy factor here before), so I know logically most of this is hormonal (and not pregnancy related).

But last month I had none of it. Not an iota.

Meh.

Struggling on, doing my best to ignore it all.

Day 2/14

I got a great high temp of 98.3 this morning, so should get my crosshairs on fertility friend tomorrow. We are officially in the two week wait.

Again.

So here’s my two week wait to-dos:

  1. Clean the entire house, including the entire bathroom, from top to bottom – started
  2. Sort out the kids artwork mountain in the spare room
  3. Write at least one short story for a future competition
  4. Finish my Tomb Raider video (I’m making a montage of my own in-game play) 19.9.14
  5. Finish the Glen Duncan book I am reading.
  6. Finish the Networking book (computers, not people. Me? Network? Ha ha) I am reading.
  7. Do two more meal plans and online shop orders.
  8. Go to a second gym class, in addition to my Monday night class – booked
  9. Reply to my friend’s email who I haven’t seen in ages. 19.9.14
  10. Reach inbox zero (again) 19.9.14
  11. Complete four levels of Tomb Raider.
  12. Dig up all the flagstones in the garden and move the table onto the patio.
  13. Tidy up the garage and put the kids garden toys away for the year.
  14. Create some screen shots for the app I want to develop.

Today, instead of googling about progesterone, the two week wait and implantation, I spent an hour writing an email and then sorting through everything in my inbox. All done for numbers 9 and 10. This afternoon I finished off my Tomb Raider video, and even wrapped up a copy on CD to send to my little brother 🙂

Yesterday and today I’ve also worked on numbers 1 and 8:

So far I have: cleaned the kitchen (including wiping down all the appliances and cupboards, cleaning the cooker and mopping the floor), tidied and cleaned the whole downstairs, including hoovering under the sofas and under all the cushions, and tidied away the 100s of tiny bits of toys that were all over the conservatory floor. Phew. Upstairs is still TBD.

house
I do love a tidy house.
shinysink
And a shiny sink 🙂

I’ve booked a gym class for Sunday, so I’m planning on a Sunday and Monday class in future, in addition to my normal gym visit. I’ll tick that off when I’ve actually done it.

What shall I tackle next??

Things I Am Going To Do In This Two Week Wait To Stop Me Ruminating On Whether Or Not I am Pregnant

Oh sod it. I’m assuming I’ve ovulated today (at the latest). So here we are in the two week wait yet again.

So here’s 14 things I’m going to do instead.

I’ll give you an update – maybe with pics! – just so you know I’m really doing stuff and not just pretending to.

  1. Clean the entire house, including the entire bathroom, from top to bottom
  2. Sort out the kids artwork mountain in the spare room
  3. Write at least one short story for a future competition
  4. Finish my Tomb Raider video (I’m making a montage of my own in-game play)
  5. Finish the Glen Duncan book I am reading.
  6. Finish the Networking book (computers, not people. Me? Network? Ha ha) I am reading.
  7. Do two more meal plans and online shop orders.
  8. Go to a second gym class, in addition to my Monday night class.
  9. Reply to my friend’s email who I haven’t seen in ages.
  10. Reach inbox zero (again).
  11. Complete four levels of Tomb Raider.
  12. Dig up all the flagstones in the garden and move the table onto the patio.
  13. Tidy up the garage and put the kids garden toys away for the year.
  14. Create some screen shots for the app I want to develop.

 

97.9

That was my temperature this morning.

It is the most ambiguous temperature in my cycle. Historically it tends to be the first post-O temp that I get. But it also makes an appearance a few times before ovulation. It’s like the mid-point of my body temperature, and my pre and post ovulation temps pivot around that point.

Which means that I am never really sure if I have ovulated when I get this reading in the middle of the month and so, we never really know whether we need to BD that evening or not.

It’s just annoying. Why can’t it just do a great big jump up to 98-something so I know for sure what’s going on?

So, here we are, CD16, trying not to obsess (but clearly failing), and wondering if I am going to be able to step away from ovulation next month.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog too, and wondering if a small part of my difficulty in moving on is because I love to write on here. It’s the only place, in the whole wide world, where I can sit and pour my heart out without fear of judgement or pity. It’s just a matter of fact record of what’s going on with me, and I like that a lot. It’s the only place I can write about my obsessions and fixations and not have to listen to people saying “don’t you think it’s time to let go?” or “it’s all for the best, just think how lucky you already are!”. I know these things, but that doesn’t change the way I think and the time that it takes to genuinely move on from these things without ending up in the loony bin.

So, to recreate this environment, I have been thinking about blogging more personal things under my real name, because I really do love to write about what I’m doing. But my main problem with that is that I don’t want my family and friends to read it.

Bah.

I have this need to talk about my feelings and to connect with others, but I can’t do it in real life. Crazy.

Yeah.

So that’s me on this rainy autumn morning.

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