Fairly Certain I’m Out

Given the Complete Radio Silence I’ve had from my uterus in the first half of this two week wait, I’m 99.9% certain I’m out this month. I know my body so well by now (and have been pregnant so many times, sigh), that I just kind of know when it hasn’t worked.

Not a single twinge or cramp at all, boobs are still asleep, so nothing is going on in there.

Had a big chat with DH last night about it all. The length of time we’ve been trying, my impending 40th birthday, how everyone keeps asking me what I’ll be doing for my 40th (peeing on a stick, probably), etc. etc.

All highly depressing.

I’m actually angry at my body for failing this month – I really thought it was going to work. I really, really thought this was going to be it.

Now I feel like I’ve been conned.

Anyway, DH suggested I try soy isoflavones (natures clomid, right?). I’ve avoided this for 2.5 years because I didn’t think it would help me, but to be honest doing what I am doing isn’t helping me, so why the hell not?

DH’s reasoning is that maybe a push for ovulation, especially if we got >1 egg, would increase the chances – kind of like two months condensed into one. Maybe one of those eggs would be a good one, rather than having to wait each month for just one egg (that in all likelihood is a crap one).

Yeah, I’m not sure about the logic either, but what the hell.

So, off I go to the internet, and I’ve ordered some high quality, non-gmo soy isoflavones this morning (from Solgar), ready to use next cycle.

BIG SIGH.

In other news, we have decided to ask for vegetable gardening things (raised beds, trowels, organic compost) from all our relatives for Christmas because next year we are going to grow as much of our own as we can (in our teeny, tiny back garden). I’m very excited about the prospect of growing something (since growing a baby seems to be impossible), and kind of like the idea of all that fertile soil and lush green produce that I’m hoping we’re going to get. Hell, I’m even thinking of setting up a worm farm.

Halfway Through The TWW. Or Maybe Not.

It should be 7dpo today, but I’ve increasingly felt that wasn’t quite right (it was Fertility Friend’s calculated date). I went back to my chart and had another look at my notes and I think it is a day out. Two reasons: I had ovulation pain the day after (and it always stops straight after O), and I had a temp dip at 5dpo, but most cycles I get a pronounced dip at 4dpo. Something to do with the way my body works I guess.

Anyway, I settled on manual override yesterday and set ovulation day to the 20th August, so I am 6dpo today and not 7dpo.

I’m a bit miserable about it as this cycle is already taking FOREVER.

Not only that, but it was DS2’s 3rd birthday at the weekend and I had the usual family stress to deal with. My own family wanted to visit at a different time of day to my in-laws, so we had people over from 9am to 9pm. That aside, my mum’s short term memory loss seems to be getting really bad and I’m worried she’s going to need to move into a care home environment. Things with my Dad have been a little strained and everyone in my family forgot our wedding anniversary (is that normal? I don’t even know whether to be offended).

I am so sad of always being disappointed by my parents not behaving like ‘proper’ parents. I know this rests with me and I need to remove my expectations, but it’s hard.

On top of that my oldest starts school – proper infant school – next week and I am feeling tearful and emotional.

It is such a huge milestone, like the end of my motherhood boot camp, and I wish I’d done some some things better and some things different and I’m worried about the friends he’ll make, how good his teacher will be, will they see his strengths, and all the usual stuff that probably every mother worries about when her first goes off to school.

And of course, it makes it so, so apparent that I have failed to create the close-aged family I dreamed of (I wanted them all at home before the oldest went to school).

Sigh – anyway, gotta go, my mother-in-law is calling round this morning. Will write more soon.

Is It Really Only 4dpo?

I didn’t intend to write so much during this two week wait, but for some reason it seems particularly agonising.

I can’t work out if it’s just because I haven’t got much else to do (which actually isn’t true, but school hols means I’m spending most of my time being ‘just’ a mummy).

Or if it’s because I have this feeling that it’s going to work this month (just like I did last month, ha ha).

Well, today I’ve been gazing at my Fertility Friend chart and telling myself that charts tell you nothing.

I’ve had triphasic, I’ve had high temps, I’ve had all sorts and still had BFNs.

But if you compare THIS month with my DECEMBER chart (when I got pregnant and it lasted just over 10 weeks), it looks like this:

chartcompare

That similarity is just a TOTAL COINCIDENCE.

I know that.

I’ve looked at it and gone, YEAH WHATEVER.

I have.

I really have.

Is it still only 4dpo?

Sigh.

Obsessing

I know I’m obsessing, because I find myself randomly googling for things like “late first trimester miscarriage” and “natural pregnancy at 39”.

Things are obviously on my mind.

I found a statistic today, from the Miscarriage Association:

A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.

I had a heartbeat at 10 weeks 4 days.

So, I was in the 0.6% (last time).

Fucking statistics.

I think this is all playing on my mind because other people seem to be having babies and (the thing I dread the most) announcing pregnancies everywhere at the moment. Actually, who am I kidding? It’s been like this since we started trying back in 2012.

Eugh. I really just want to get away from myself when I’m like this.

Over-thinking everything. Over-analysing.

I’ve always been too much of a thinker.

I wish I had womb-cam so I could see what was going on in there.

I thought about joining a group in the two week wait on Fertility Friend, but then they’ll probably all get BFPs and send me into a spiral of self-pity. I’ve stayed well away from the forums there for the best part of this year.

I don’t even really know why I’m writing this, other than because it makes me feel like I’m somehow doing something about waiting to see if I’m pregnant.

I might just go and do a pregnancy test, out of sheer mindless boredom and stupidity. Then I’ll have a nice negative baseline ready for next week. Ha ha ha.

I really need to get out more.

The 21st Two Week Wait

I’m 3 days into Yet Another Two Week Wait.

I’m feeling surprisingly good about all this trying and waiting. It’s almost like the coinciding of my last miscarriage with my coeliac diagnosis has wiped the slate clean. I really believe that I am now capable of having a healthy pregnancy, it’s just a case of catching a good egg.

And I know, at 39, I’m pretty damn lucky to be able to repeatedly get pregnant (even if they don’t stick around, ha ha).

So, I’m going to test early in a few days time, because In a weird way I find it more reassuring to catch a brief pregnancy that doesn’t stick than to have a big fat nothing.

Got a good feeling about this month though. A goooooooood feeling!!!

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