Gone

Bah.

I tested this morning – once at 4:30am cause I desperately needed the bathroom, and once at 7am when I properly got up.

Both of them are 99% BFN.

As in, there might be a ghost of a line there, but not even as shadowy as yesterday (and yesterday’s was pretty faint). In fact, today’s hint of a ghost line makes yesterday’s test look like a BFP in comparison.

I will test again tomorrow, but I suspect tomorrow will be a perfect, snowy white negative.

So what happened?

My guess is that the egg was fertilised, implanted, and then either died or was rejected: i.e. it was no good. I did get some sudden cramps yesterday evening on my left side. Just a few minutes, then they stopped. Kind of like it was all ending I suppose.

I’ve been doing some reading about IVF recently. I mean, you get the sperm, the egg, they fertilise and you put it in the womb when it’s ready to implant. How on earth can that NOT work? Right?

Well, this clinic sees only 15% of eggs implant in women aged 40-42.

15%!!!!

And this article, about a new photography technique to improve selection of viable embryos, says overall the live birth rate is only around 24% for IVF in the UK.

But, if you use a younger woman’s eggs, the success rate rockets.

How depressing is that?

It’s not the womb.

It’s not the sperm.

It’s the egg.

Those damn eggs just aren’t as good as you get older.

Even if you harvest them out, fertilise them with decent sperm and grow them in perfect conditions in a lab, they still aren’t viable.

I am disappointed this morning – I really, really thought this month would be it.

I’ve been gluten free for 3 months, I’m feeling really good, I just thought it would work.

I’m not sure whether to just eat a whole bucket of chocolate, or book myself into a raw foods retreat and do some kind of extreme dietary approach in an attempt to salvage any good eggs I may have left.

Sigh.

7dpo

I tested.

So, as a serial miscarrier, I’ve talked before about how this study influences why I test early, and 7dpo is probably about as early as you’re going to see anything (I got something at 8dpo, and a squinter at 9dpo on my last pregnancy).

Nothing on my chart is out of the ordinary this cycle, but then, I’ve had tri-phasic charts twice and NOT been pregnant, and I’ve never had an implantation dip, in the 8 out of 9 pregnancies I’ve tracked.

Here’s my chart:

julychart

No implantation spotting either (only had that once in nine pregnancies anyway).

So in fact, nothing but a totally ordinary chart.

But…

I’ve had a bit of cramping and heaviness over the last 36 hours, so this morning, I thought, Ah what the hell. I’ve got, like, a whole bundle of tests in the drawer doing nothing, why not?

Of course, this is REALLY early – eggs reach the blastocyst stage at around day 5 and then shed the zona pellucida (outer covering) before implantation can occur. So implantation happens (as a rule) from 6dpo onwards.

I use ultra-sensitive 10miu tests: HCG is released into your urine a few hours after it hits your blood stream, which is almost immediately following implantation.

A few months back I did an evaporation line experiment on a set of 10miu tests, where I used one in bottled water and the others in urine, and you can clearly see there is no evap line on the water one. Now, these aren’t the exact same tests, but they are from the same company, and last month I had a snowy-white BFN with these, so I’m pretty happy with the test quality.

And now the big question:

What did the test show this morning?

SOMETHING

I can’t even call it a squinter, because it isn’t. If I tilt it towards the light and move it back and forth, I can see the faintest, faintest shadowy line EVER possible to see.

Of course, I tried to take a picture, but the camera can’t see it. Even my best camera (instead of my phone), on macro setting doesn’t pick it up.

But my eyes can.

So I put the pic in photoshop and equalized it:

7dposquinter

You see that, right?

I’ll test again tomorrow morning.

5dpo

I ovulated late this cycle. This hardly ever happens – still unsure why – maybe my lunaception experiment delayed things (I left our very dark curtains open for the three days over the full moon).

Anyway, here we are, five days into the two week wait. No feeling either way yet, but we certainly gave it a good shot this month, with almost double the bedroom time of our previous pregnancies.

To DH’s surprise, I even did the bum-on-pillow-and-legs-up thing after each go (no, in 27 months we never thought to bother with that before). In fact, if I am not pregnant, I will be quite frankly, astonished. There is no way an egg could have escaped the invasion, so given that I did ovulate (temp up), the only way this isn’t working is if the egg was so duff it never got started. In fact, I’ve spent the last three weeks visualising the release of two eggs (in for a penny), so I think we’ve covered all bases.

I am, as far as I am concerned, PUPO*.

I will be testing early and will let you know!

*Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

Mid-Cycle Update

I don’t really have anything to write about, but these things are on my mind, so I thought I’d scribble them down while I had a chance.

The summer hols are here in two days, and I have the boys 24/7 for 6 weeks, so I won’t be at the computer much until September comes around. Also, this blog is a really accurate diary for me, of our journey and our struggles, so it seems right to update when we are actively ‘trying’.

Our fertility clinic appointment is on 8th August. And my period is due on the 6th August (must check cancellation policy…).

This month, we’re in with enthusiasm:

  • GLUTEN FREE for almost 3 months now 🙂
  • I’m drinking a ton of water each day
  • No alcohol
  • Trace amounts of caffeine (white tea only)
  • Daily green smoothies
  • Lots of fruit and veg
  • Less meat
  • Vitamins and probiotics
  • Daily meditation
  • Lots of BD (obviously)

Also, my latest craze (’cause you know I’m crazy about natural methods), is lunaception. Basically you leave a dim light on three days a month, and then sleep in (as close as) total darkness the rest of the month. Apparently, women’s bodies tend to cycle with the moon (ovulate on full, bleed on new), and it can help irregular cycles, etc. etc.

I already have cycles like clockwork – I’ve been a 29 day girl all my life. But I thought about it a lot, and apparently farmers sow crops with the new moon because it makes their roots grow stronger. Isn’t that amazing? And midwives say maternity wards tend to be busier around the full moon… So I wondered about the effects of the pull of the moon on the human body… and you know, I’m not heavily into this kind of woo woo thing, but what if there is something in it?

So, instead of just leaving a light on for three days from day 14, we’re actually going with the REAL moon cycles and sleeping with the curtains open for three nights a month on the three nights around the actual full moon.

At the moment, I’m quite a long way out from ovulating on the full moon, but I’ll update on this further down the line.

So.

DH is on his way home tonight with sperm friendly lubricant (and I didn’t even ask him to buy it – how cool is that?), which we’re also going to try out.

I’ve got a faint line on my opk, so ovulation should be within the next few days.

Isn’t this exciting?

Can you believe it’s still something I am interested in after 27 months and 5 miscarriages?

No, neither can I.

But I have a good feeling about all this, all of a sudden.

So we’re going with it and we’ll see where it takes us.

Pulling Out The Big Guns

arnie

We have made an appointment at a fertility clinic.

Never in a bazillion years did I think I would ever say this. Hell, I don’t even know what on earth they might be able to do for us.

But time is ticking away – it’s been 27 months now. And I’m turning 40 in December. I’ve been trying for a third baby since I was 37 and although I’ve gotten pregnant five times, and said I’m going to stop trying way more than five times, we’re still here, still stuck, still hoping.

So, the date is August the 8th.

We’ll go in, we’ll talk to the consultant, and we’ll see what they say.

I’m kind of hoping that we can just speed things up – it’s not so much GETTING pregnant, it’s STAYING pregnant. But since my coeliac diagnosis, I have this weird feeling that I won’t miscarry any more.

But it could take 6 more months for a natural pregnancy to happen. I am thinking maybe IUI will give us a head start – the best sperm, a better chance. Then it’s up to my body to see if it will hold.

So there we go.

I’m CD5 at the moment, so we’ll fit another try in before we see anyone (and probably another try after that unless they move with lightning speed).

I feel a mixture of relief and trepidation. Relief at finally asking for help.

Trepidation that nothing and no one can help me.

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