All Systems Go!

scan2
Apparently this looks completely normal, although I couldn’t even make out which end was the head without help.

The sonographer was so lovely last night. She talked me through everything and showed me as much as she could (at seven weeks).

The baby’s heart is beating away furiously (I have a little video!) and he* measures 7 weeks and 1 day (I was 7w2d yesterday).

Amazing – he is now 11.5mm, which is almost three times bigger than last week’s 4mm (assuming the trainee measured correctly).

He is GROWING! The heart is still beating!

It truly is a miracle.

My next appointment at the EPAU is in 3 weeks (I’ll be 10w2d).

In the meantime, I can’t get any more reassurance than I’ve already had. It’s time to face up to it and make the absolute most of this pregnancy.

Wow!

And I’m not kidding, I feel 10 years younger.

I can’t get over how well I feel.

I was so, so nauseous (for 10 long weeks with DS1 and 12 even longer weeks with DS2), it is amazing that I am feeling so well. No exhaustion, the odd wave of nausea, but nothing like the ALL-DAY-EVERY-DAY I’ve had before. Why is it different?? I didn’t think it was possible to be pregnant without feeling utterly repulsed by every single food in existence. Is there something in our diet that affects morning sickness? (I have read theories about magnesium deficiency). Are the huge quantities of fruits and veg that I eat now the reason I feel so well?

Last night I sat in front of the telly (a rare week night treat) and scoffed a plate of chopped up carrot, humous, melon, strawberry and banana and it tasted like the best food in the world.

Whatever. I just love how wonderful it is to be 7 weeks along and not be paralysed on the sofa because I feel too sick to move. Having little ones to look after, I was worried about surviving the first trimester. I had plans to not feel guilty about too much telly and too much soft play.

Ha! At this rate I’ll have more energy than the husband, ha ha ha! Long may it last 🙂

*For convenience I’m going to use the pronoun ‘he’ because it’s less clumsy than s/he, she or he, or it.

Blogging

I don’t know what it is about this blog that makes me come back to it. I’ve been feeling more and more that I have absolutely no idea what the point of it is.

I mean the point of this blog, rather than the point of blogging. I find writing these posts tends to clear my thoughts and I like how it lays down a record of my life (albeit in anonymous form).

But my organised, logical brain feels that I should have some kind of focus, and it just hasn’t happened that way. I started this to record Life With 3 Kids, but due to citcumstances found I was writing about minimalism, healthy eating, making your own beauty products, TTC, my emotional state and eveything but its original purpose.

Maybe now I can blog as I originally intended… but I have hundreds (literally!) of posts scattered over all sorts of topics. It just seems disjointed.

I’ve never been interested in stats or increasing my readership. In fact, it astonishes me that some of you have stuck with me for so long, given everything I ramble about on here.

So why I am still doing this?

The thing is, I spend a fair proportion of time writing posts and nosing into other people’s lives, so it feels like there should be a point. A plan. A focus. A big idea.

[big sigh]

I don’t know.

Why do you all blog? Is it for the love of it? Do you hope to make a bigger and more successful blog? To earn an income if possible?

Why do we all do this?

I am searching for meaning!

The Thoughts You Entertain

thoughts

I got this in my inbox this morning. It comes from one of the few email subscriptions I have, from a man called Ken Wert from Meant To Be Happy. I love this man’s words of wisdom. His post on forgiveness is fantastic reading.

I thought I’d share this with you, because I think it is absolutely spot on. What you think really is what you become.

Which is why it is so important to check in with what we are thinking now and again to make sure that our minds are not leaving us mired in misery, bitterness and depression, especially when everything seems stacked against us and it is so difficult to value the gifts that we have.

I am going through a huge shift mentally, and I can feel these changes happening. I am facing up to the fact that I should be beyond grateful for everything I have been lucky enough to have in my life. I have had some massive lows and some massive highs in my lifetime – it really has been the cliché rollercoaster ride that people talk about.

I know that this ‘enlightenment’ is in great part due to the fact that I am suddenly pregnant. Trying for a baby has left me in limbo for such a long time that I feel somewhat like I’ve stepped out into the sunshine after being in a windowless room for too long. It’s so bright, I can feel the warmth on my skin, and I’m blinking rapidly – trying to see what’s there in front of me.

Why do we cry from happiness?

Because I have, several times.

I feel so emotional and overwhelmed by what is going on that sometimes I just cry because there are so many tears inside me that need to come out.

Randomly in the day, I hug my children close to me to feel their hair and their warm bodies and I know that I really am the luckiest person alive.

boys

When I feel a wave of nausea, I enjoy it. I absorb every sensation in my body and stomach and I know that if I feel sick until the day I give birth, it will be OK. I look at my emerging belly (which is probably just fat at this stage), and I don’t want to hide it. I don’t care about trying to look not-pregnant. Part of me wants people to guess.

I’ve started working on some tutorials, and updating my professional website… Life is suddenly there again, where for so long it has been a bleak void.

I have another scan booked tomorrow at 6:45pm.

I know that, given the baby measured small last week, there is a chance that growth has stopped or is severely lacking.

I just hope that if the worst happens, I am able to get through this and not slip back into the darkness.

7 Weeks and Other Stuff

I’ve got so much going around in my head at the moment. There’s no particular point to this post, it’s just a news bulletin style update 😉

Family Matters

My brother took an overdoes of his anti-psychotic meds in the early hours of Saturday morning. He is (amazingly) ok, was discharged from hospital yesterday and is currently staying with my Dad. It makes me so sad to see my brother struggling like this. His whole adult life has revolved around addiction, depression, and in recent years, psychosis. He is almost 6 years younger than me, and I left home at 16, so the majority of my memories of him are of an excitable little boy. It makes me feel so very sad that he has never been able to get on the right path as an adult, and it makes me angry at the same time that even now, at the age of 32, he still seems incapable of looking after himself and making baby steps towards living a healthier life. He eats badly, takes a daily cocktail of prescribed drugs, smokes (has almost set fire to his flat on several occasions combining smoking with sleeping pills), stays up until the early hours of the morning and sleeps most of the day. His whole lifestyle is out-of-whack. At the end of the day, I know that the only person that can change his approach is him. So until that happens (if it ever does), I just remind him gently to look after himself and tell him I love him. What more can I do?

My Meds

I mentioned that the EPAU prescribed me baby aspirin and progesterone to take during this pregnancy. I have always been staunchly anti-drug and I probably only take a paracetamol once or twice a year. Paracetamol was all I took for childbirth with both of my sons (for the record, it doesn’t even take the edge off a contraction, but it was worth a try). Because of my upbringing, and my exposure to depression and psychosis in my mother, my uncle (mum’s brother) and later on, my own brother, I would never touch an anti-depressant or any other pill that affected my brain chemistry. I know these medications make a normal life possible for many, many people, but for me they are a total red zone. But I’m getting off the point. I did some research on aspirin and progesterone when I got home, before taking anything, and decided almost immediately that the aspirin was a no-go.

Aspirin has been shown to help women with recurrent miscarriage who have a blood clotting disorder. My blood was tested for all forms after my 4th consecutive loss and my blood was clear. No clotting problem. So what if you don’t have a clotting disorder? I found studies to show:

Buffered aspirin causes less birth defects than regular aspirin. [er, less birth defects??]
Aspirin may interfere with implantation and cause birth defects.
Aspirin does not improve implantation rate and reduces follicle growth.
Aspirin does not prevent miscarriage in women without thrombophilia.

Since I do not have thrombophilia, and aspirin DOES cross the placental barrier (which means your baby gets the aspirin as well as you), I’ve opted not to take it. Yes there are just as many studies that show it does help, but the thing is, someone once said to me:

There’s not much you can do to hang onto a bad pregnancy and there’s not much you can do to get rid of a good one.

Given that drug addicts, alcoholics, chain-smokers and other people with less severe, but still far from perfect lifestyles, have babies all the time, I’m inclined to agree.

If I am going to lose this pregnancy, I’m going to lose it.

For every woman out there who says “I had 4 miscarriages, and a healthy baby when I took aspirin!” how can you ever know that it wasn’t just that her 5th baby was the healthy, strong one? Especially those of us that are trying later in life. It is a fact that egg quality is diminished with age. I accept that some (maybe most!) of my eggs are past their expiry date. Aspirin isn’t going to change that.

I know a lot of people will disagree with this, and with my choice, but it’s the choice I feel better about. And if I do miscarry, which I may well, I don’t think it will be because I didn’t take a baby aspirin each day.

Which leads me onto my other medication: progesterone suppositories.

Wow, these babies are something else. Having never even seen a suppository before they are a revelation. A pellet of vegetable fat that melts in your bum (or vagina). The progesterone is absorbed through the squillions of blood vessels in those two tubes.

The progesterone was a real dilemma for me. My main issue with being given them was that no one had ever tested my progesterone levels.

That’s right. I’ve been given a dose of 400mg per day, and no one knows what my actual levels already are.

I talked with DH about this, and he pointed out that it was probably cheaper to dispense the drug as a just-in-case than it was to take a blood test to confirm whether you needed it.

Just to put the dose in perspective, progesterone increases throughout pregnancy and at the end of the third trimester the placenta produces a maximum of 250-300mg per day.

So er, why do I need to take 400mg in the first trimester??

Apparently progesterone is safe even in high doses, so women are given lots of it just-in-case.

Except:

Maternal progestin intake associated with increased risk of hypospadias.

Right.

However, I have a caveat for the progesterone. I know through my extensive research that cortisol (the stress hormone) is made partly from progesterone. That’s right – when you are under stress, your body ‘steals’ progesterone to make cortisol, and therefore lowers the levels of available progesterone in your body.

This has a huge impact – high stress levels could mean not enough progesterone to sustain implantation, and it could cause a shorter luteal phase. In fact, I know through my own charting that on the months where I was especially stressed (the one year anniversary of my missed miscarriage being a case in point), I started spotting as early as 9dpo, even though my period pretty much always arrives at 14dpo.

Not only that, but my missed miscarriage showed that growth stopped at just short of 9 weeks. Many, many times I have looked back over my journal at this time. The only thing that stands out is how stressed I was trying to cope with a 2 year old and a 9 month old. I was one of the first people in my group of local friends to have two children. While they were all handling 2 year old tantrums with two hands, I was trying to appease 2 year old tantrums while feeding a baby. I was trying to stop my 2 year old running in the road while pushing a pram. I was trying to contain a crawler and a toddler everywhere I went and they were both active, curious boys who were into everything. I was a mess. I was crying every day, angry most of the time. I had no support from family. We had no childminder or babysitter. 24 hours a day, every day,  I was on call and it was exhausting. My friends seemed to think I was making a fuss about nothing… but they didn’t have two boys 21 months apart. Looking back, I can see that I was suffering with depression (maybe I should have taken some pills, ha ha). But, at the time I just alternated between anger and tears. Morning sickness was the icing on the cake. And then my baby died. Stress? Chromosomal defect? I don’t know. But it makes me nervous enough to think that my stress levels may interfere with my progesterone levels.

However, I still can’t justify the dosage. 400mg when I haven’t even had my levels tested??

So I reached a compromise. I’m taking 1/4 of the dose each day. I chop up my suppositories. I get a little bit of extra progesterone, just to help out if I get anxious or stressed (like when my brother ODs on anti-psychotic meds), but not so much that I’m freaking out the balance of my natural hormone levels. I’ve had no side effects and barely any “leakage”, so all is well.

Again, not everyone would agree with this, but that’s the way I feel most comfortable approaching things.

Pregnancy

Before I got pregnant this time, I had this vision of how things would be once I got my BFP.

I’d be a smiling, glowing, woman, eating wonderful healthy foods, with an immaculate house and two happy and wonderful children.

However, it seems I misjudged things.

I am totally unable to accept that I am pregnant because I am worried about getting emotionally invested in something that is going to disappear, my house is mysteriously NOT immaculate, my children squabble just as much as they always did and I am achieving a big fat lot of nothing because moving around seems to exacerbate my nausea.

Sigh.

Actually, my ‘morning’ sickness has been considerably less than it was with the two boys. By this time I was unable to even enter the kitchen and the only thing I was able to eat was Rice Krispies and junk food. It is much, much better than that (which again is a source of worry). Generally I am fine most of the day, with waves of genuine sickness. I have also noticed that I am OK as long as I eat fruit and veg. Ha ha ha! Who’d have thought it? I am actually sicker when I eat junk food 🙂

I was in fear of losing the green smoothies, but actually they are one of the few things I can eat without feeling ill afterwards.

Scan

I am going to call the clinic today and book a scan asap. DH is away next week, and I can’t wait until he gets back. I need to know that this baby is currently growing properly, especially as it was so small at my 6 week scan. I think once I’ve had confirmation that the size is OK (if indeed it is), I will be able to relax just a tiny bit.

Things To Do

I have a massive mental list of things to do. I have done none of them. This is partly down to vague nausea, and partly down to not being sure if this pregnancy is viable. I know I need to get past this feeling of inertia and lethargy, but after spending the best part of the last year on infertility forums, it is very, very difficult to imagine that anyone has a good outcome after getting pregnant.

I am hoping that if the next scan is good, I will be able to get moving.

Because I really do need to get moving, after such a long, long time waiting.

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