Day 39 – 5w4d

I was going to write a detailed post about something… I can’t remember what.

I still had some bright red streaks this morning, but you know what else?

Nausea has arrived.

And I can’t write anything else because the screen is making me feel sick.

Don’t get me wrong, I love it. I LOVE the nausea.

I promised myself eons ago that if I ever got pregnant again I would adore even the most miserable and painful parts of it.

So I’m super happy to be feeling sick. And all this extra saliva in my mouth is wonderful.

But dammit, it’s hard to focus on all these little, wobbly letters when my stomach feels like quicksand.

Day 38 – An Ominous Sign

I started spotting today.

Not much. I may have even missed it if I wasn’t checking religiously every time I went to the bathroom. The last couple of times (spanning 4 hours), there have been faint streaks of red. Hardly anything.

But enough for me to know this isn’t good.

I’ve miscarried at 6.5 weeks twice in the past, and on those occasions spotting started on day 33 and day 41, so I’m in the red zone as far as spotting goes.

However, for a fair comparison, I also spotted pretty much through the first 8 weeks of my good pregnancies.

So in actual fact, spotting tells me nothing.

I had a distinctive stretching feeling in my uterus last night at bedtime. I was lying in bed just absorbing the sensation and it wasn’t pain – it was actually a stretching feeling (if that makes any sense). I went to sleep certain that all was well.

And maybe it is – maybe (since I’ve always been prone to bleeding), it really is just my uterus accommodating the growing pregnancy sac.

But I’m also a serial miscarrier, so maybe it’s my body getting ready to get rid of what’s inside.

Probably because it isn’t chromosomally up to the job.

Where was I when I discovered this?

At a soft play centre with the boys.

And who did I bump into?

A friend from NCT classes, who I haven’t seen for around two years. She had a surprise 4 month old with her, born one week before she turned 40. She asked me if we were planning a third… I’d literally just got back from the bathroom where I’d discovered the bleeding…

I said we weren’t really committed either way.

So I’m feeling pretty emotionally guarded at the moment. Reactions have been postponed until more definitive information arrives.

Right now, I’d do pretty much anything for wine, chocolate, and pizza.

But I’ll save the indulgence for conclusive evidence of the end of pregnancy #9.

T Minus Seven Days

The Early Pregnancy Unit called this morning. Bless them, they tried my work mumber, and my old mobile number before finally trying my home landline. Things change, eh.

Anyway, they are scanning me at 6 weeks 2 days, which is pretty damn efficient for the NHS.

I go in next Wednesday afternoon. That is, of course, assuming my uterus hasn’t instigated a mass evacuation of its contents in the meantime.

Stay safe in there little fella.

PS My doctors reaction last night was one of barely concealed surprise and disbelief. I remember him saying to me when he gave me the pill that it wouldn’t matter even if I forgot to take them. In all honesty he didn’t look too hopeful for a positive outcome, although he managed a sudden bright smile and said “Well, that’s delightful, yes!” as I was leaving the room. I’m guessing he doesn’t get to see too many 39 year old pregnant ladies. Gawd, when did i get so OLD??

Angry 2 Year Old

My youngest is now 2 years and 5 months. He is a smiley, charming, sociable, happy boy:

happy

At least, he was.

Of late, he tends to be more like this:

cheese

I remember going through this with DS1 at the exact same age and it was equally stressful.

There seem to be two triggers to angry-toddler syndrome:

  1. Dropping the last daytime nap [shudder].
  2. The realisation that their ability has extensive limitations.

It seems to turn once-content toddlers into miniature teenagers with a serious attitude problem.

Some of today’s parenting challenges so far:

Morning time
Right, what would you both like for breakfast?
Ummmm… [DS2 runs off to play with something].
DS2? Do you want some breakfast?
[Silence from conservatory]
DS2? Would you like me to get you some Shreddies?
More silence. I get DS1 his breakfast and sit down with my bowl. The peace is suddenly shattered by high pitched screeching.
NOOOOO!!!! I DON WANNA YOU HAVE BREAKFAST, WAHHHH!!!!!

Getting out of the car
[I unbuckle the harness]
NO!! I wanna do it!!!
Sensing imminent meltdown, I “fix” the buckle so he can do it. He takes ages to undo the buckle. I offer to lift him down.
NO!! I do it.
I offer to help him out of the car. He doesn’t move.
I wanna go in drive Mummy. I wanna drive.
It’s raining. I’m getting soaked. I tell him I’m sorry, but he can’t drive today.
I WANNA GO IN DRIVE, WAHHHH!!!!!!!
After several more futile attempts to encourage him out the car, I end up carrying him screaming and writhing into the house.

“Playing” with DS1
DS1 looks at DS2
NO YOU GO WAY!! BAHHHHHH!!!!!! [blood curdling, whites-of-eyes showing, banshee scream]

Helping him with a toy
Ok, where do you want me to put the bridge?
Der.
I put the bridge exactly where he indicates.
NO!!!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!
Ok! Sorry sweetie, where did you want it?
Der.
I try again.
NOOO!!! BAHHHHHHH!!!!! [grabs bridge and hits me with it]
I remove bridge and tell him not hit.
BAHHHHHHHH!!!!! [scratches me instead].
I walk away, to avoid further injury.
WAHHHHHH!!!!!! [he chases me trying to grab enough flesh to pinch].
DS1 tries to tell him not to hurt Mummy.
BAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [right in DS1’s face].
DS1 cries.

And that is all before 10am.

At least his behaviour is keeping me suitably distracted from the phone call about my scan date.

Calm

So after yesterday’s mini-meltdown, I’m feeling so much better (and we now have a clean kitchen).

I think I just needed to let all that fear out.

So much fear for pain ahead that I may never have to go through.

My uterus has gone quiet (which is also worrying me after the last two days of aching – you just can’t win). My boobs are still averagely sore and I’m still feeling a little watery-mouthed.

I have ummed and ahhed about a private scan. In the end I came to the following conclusions:

  • I did a bit of googling and it seems that a scan today, or tomorrow, will at most, show a pregnancy sac. The heart starts beating between weeks 5 and 6, so going for a scan and not seeing a heartbeat will do nothing to reassure me, and I’ll just have to go back in again a week later.
  • My doctors appointment is this evening, so hopefully I will find out how long I’ll need to wait for an early scan.
  • If an early scan isn’t going to be that early, I will book a private scan for the start of next week (I will be 6 weeks on Monday).

And I’m OK with all of that.

Still absolutely no trace of spotting, or any painful cramps, so deep down, my gut feeling is that everything is OK.

The panic-lady I have living inside my head has lain down and gone quiet.

I am feeling somewhat embarrassed that the last time I saw my doctor, I cried when he prescribed me the pill, and this time I’m going in to tell him I’m pregnant. I’ve actually dreamed of this scenario over and over in my head.

Now, my doctor is definitely more:

doctor1

than:

doctor2

but the fact is, he’s a really nice man, and I feel a bit silly-teenage-girl-ish going in there to tell him I’m having a baby after crying my eyes out last year and insisting on taking the pill because I couldn’t.

It seems kind of weird… or maybe it’s just me.