9dpo Self-Discipline

OK, so I caved a little bit today.

I got out of bed and grabbed my thermometer back out of the first aid box to see what my temperature was doing.

It was a rather unimpressive and non-pregnant 98.1.

But… I just can’t help the feeling that despite the distinctly average temp reading, I still might be.

So then I started thinking…

If I just had a pregnancy test, I could find out! Maybe I’ll get a faint positive as my boobs are hurting so much!

It took an ENORMOUS amount of willpower not to pop into the supermarket this morning and buy one.

But I didn’t.

And I didn’t because of one thing:

If it comes back negative today, I will be grumpy and depressed and a miserable Mummy for the rest of the day.

Whereas if I don’t test, although it’s bad for getting my hopes up (which I can’t deny I am), at least I’ll be a nicer person to be around.

Sigh.

14 days has never seemed so long.

Sensory Boxes 2

The boys really wanted their boxes this morning – amazing how quickly they jump into a new ‘routine’.

Today I used pasta and pipecleaners (so you can thread the pasta onto the pipecleaners).

I thought they would reject them because there are no actual toys included, but I was astonished at how involved DS1 was with this activity. He really loved it, and his concentration this morning was fantastic – way better than when I try to engage him in this sort of thing in the afternoon. I think his brain is better at detailed activity in the morning, which tends to be when I am getting things done, so perhaps I should rethink our days a little.

bin2_1

DS2 however:

bin2_2

Ah well. He had fun.

And at least it was easier to pack away for next time than the rice 🙂

Sensory Boxes

I don’t post about my boys anywhere near as much as I intended to when I started this blog. Being a full-time mum to two boisterous, energetic and demanding children is just what goes on ALL THE TIME, so I’ve tended to focus on other things.

However, they are obviously the biggest and most important thing in my life every single day, so I thought I’d make the effort to share a little more.

After feeling inspired by this post about sensory bins and this guest post about sifting flour from mummyflyingsolo, I decided to make an activity box for both boys and test it out. I wasn’t brave enough to try the flour first… but I do have a bag ready, plus two sieves 😉

My boys are 3.5 years and 22 months, so I was pretty certain they would love the idea.

I made two identical boxes with a plastic box, a plastic scoop, 4 toy dinosaurs (to bury) and half a bag of Asda Smart Price rice (~40p). I  also gave them both a separate bowl for scooping rice into.

It started well:

bins1

But within approximately 2.5 minutes, DS2 had tipped his rice all over the floor, whizzed it around with his hands and then started  crying for access to DS1’s box.

See how in this next picture DS1 is still playing beautifully, while DS2 admires the mess he has made (and yes, I have given him the dustpan and brush).

bins2

When we put the boxes away (much excitement over a new one tomorrow), the whole of the downstairs of our (not overly huge) house,  had little grains of rice all over it.

I’m hoping that as the mornings go by, DS2 will learn that his box isn’t as much fun when it’s spread all over the floor.

Although I guess that sensory input is just as valid under his little toes as it is from his little hands, right?

7dpo Not Symptom Spotting

At all.

Really I’m not.

Not even thinking about it, actually.

Haven’t even noticed how despite the painful cramps yesterday morning (which I assumed were the end of anything exciting) my sore boobs have gotten worse.

Not even vaguely hopeful about the fact that I feel very heavy and sluggish and pre-menstrual already.

Scarcely even registered my persistent backache.

And today it has totally passed me by that I’m feeling really picky about my food.

And that I’m so tired, and I have a weird headache and it’s almost like I’ve got a really bad cold on the way.

None of these things at all are occupying my thoughts.

At all.

Half way through the two week wait and just going about my daily business as usual.

Because after a long 14 month journey of trying for no.3, I can’t even remember how it feels to be properly-this-is-going-to-work-lets-get-these-hormones-started-pregnant any more.

So it would be foolish to believe that I might be.

Enough Procrastination

face

I have done nothing for a while. And I haven’t been happy.

I’m 6 days past ovulation and I’ve got sore boobs. I had a bout of very painful cramps this morning. The kind of cramps I had with my miscarriage and chemical pregnancies.

My poor, beaten-up and stressed out brain has already decided that this morning’s cramps were my body rejecting a fertilized egg. An egg that may have tried its luck at implanting today but that was rudely shoved away from my uterine wall.

I do not have much in the way of hope any more.

This morning I went to visit my friend who has just had a beautiful baby girl. And I tried hard, but still a couple of tears escaped.

Another friend was also there, who is 30 weeks pregnant.

They were both blooming and happy. Talk turned to breastfeeding and night-waking and all I could do was wonder if I would ever have a part in these things ever again.

I need to move forward.

I need to move on with clearing out my life.

I know that paring down my possessions and clearing the decks is what I need to do, so that I can give my thoughts space and open up my life to new things. Because I can’t spend the rest of my life depressed and at some point I am going to have to face up to the fact that I may never have another child.