Medical Appointments

My heart rate must have doubled in the doctor’s waiting room. I thought I was going to fall off my chair and be sick while I waited to be seen.

Once I got in there, I just said:

“I can’t stay pregnant.”

Turns out none of my fears were realised. He was very kind, and said he understood how difficult it must be, and referred me to the hospital clinic immediately.

My appointment is on the 18th June, at the department that I spent three days in following my miscarriage last August.

He said they will do a number of blood tests, but that they would probably find nothing.

At least if they find nothing I will know that nothing is wrong with me.

In the meantime, all I can do is continue eating as well as possible and trying to control my stress levels and tearfulness over this whole thing.

Most depressing of all is the weeks ahead of waiting for yet another cycle to come around.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, while I get older and older.

Giving Up. But Not Quite.

I woke up this morning and took my temperature.

It said 98.3.

That’s my usual, non-pregnant, post-O temp.

Straightaway I knew there would be no line on a test this morning.

There was no line.

Stark, white, BFN.

Same batch of tests – I’ve used many packs of these over the last 7 months – they do not ever leave evaporation lines.

The fact I get a feeling that I’m pregnant, and that faint line, makes me think that my body is rejecting egg after egg.

This, effectively, looks like it’s my 3rd chemical pregnancy in 4 months.

Those eggs don’t even get a chance.

They try to implant and my body just shuts down on them.

Why?

So I give up. I need help, an opinion. I’ve done what I said I’d never do.

I’ve booked an appointment at the doctors.

Just in case I haven’t made it clear enough, I can’t bear visiting the GP. I get nauseous and nervous and panicky in the waiting room, to the point where I am a complete wreck that can hardly articulate my problem when I get in there.

I don’t even know what I’m going to say.

I am frightened they won’t take me seriously (at our surgery, if you don’t have a leg hanging off they tend to just send you home).

I am frightened they will just lecture me about being old (38).

I am frightened they will quiz me over why I want more children when I have two already.

I am frightened they will dismiss me and do nothing when my world revolves around TTC and I feel like I am dying inside every month that it doesn’t work.

My backache is especially bad this morning and my boobs are definitely sore.

Too early for PMT, but no line on that test means it’s all over for this month. Again.

Why, why, why?

Is it just a simple matter of waiting for a good egg because the ones that have popped out so far have been rejects?

Or is there something wrong with my system, with my hormones, that is giving me ghost babies over and over again?

I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON!

Evaporation Line Paranoia

I couldn’t help myself.

But I couldn’t hold any longer than 2.5 hours either.

I did another test and it was negative. Although 2.5 hours isn’t a very long hold when you’re trying to detect teeny levels of HCG.

But I’ve been googling images of evaporation lines and thinking maybe it’s just that.

Although my boobs are a bit sore today (again, unusual for me this early) and I just feel pregnant.

It’s hard to explain.

It could all be nothing.

It could be phantom symptoms from me convincing myself that this was going to be the month.

And the fact that my temperature is currently 98.9 might not mean anything (the only time it’s ever that high is when I’m ill).

I read this morning’s test after 10 minutes (it said 5, but I took a shower), so it wasn’t dry and the line was clearer when it was wet than it is now. That should mean it isn’t an evap, right?

Aaargh!!

I can’t bear the suspense!

Faint Positive at 6dpo

6dpo positive

OK, so I’m trying hard not to be totally over-the-top excited and squealing like a child.

Having had two chemical pregnancies this year already (and three miscarriages before that) I know that this is the start of a:

VERY

LONG

ROAD.

But knock-me-down-with-a-feather-and-call-me-Sheila, there was a line there this morning!

Here’s my chart. Can you guess why I tested?

maychart2

I have never, ever had an implantation dip. But this month I just had a feeling something was going on.

  • I’ve had constant AF-like backache since ovulation (not usual for me)
  • Some very light discomfort in my uterus, not as strong as cramps. More like the odd twinge.
  • I have been unusually hungry.
  • And yesterday’s temperature dip was a first for me.
  • My two high temps are higher than usual (post-O I usually sit at about 98.3)

My pregnancy tests are extra sensitive, so I’ll do another test after a long hold (tmi).

This could turn out to be was just another chemical, so I’m trying not to get too excited…

Cloth Nappies Leaking at Night

nappy pail

We’re seven nights (and eight days) into the 24/7 switch.

The first two nights?

Brilliant.

No leaks, happy baby, happy mum.

The last FIVE nights?

Leaks.

Every morning.

All over DS2’s pyjamas and all over the sleeping bag.

And this morning – oh my.

Poor DS2 had pooed at some point in the night and because cloth nappies don’t wick the urine away as well as disposables do he had a completely red bum this morning from nappy rash.

Red raw and sore all over.

I felt awful.

I’ve ordered (at great expense) MORE bamboo boosters and a couple of little lamb bamboo nappies (on offer) to try overnight.

DH wants to switch back to disposables for overnight, but (as with so many things in life) I really feel that it has to be all or nothing.

However, I’ve pretty much tried all my combinations of booster and nappy and it isn’t working.

I’m going to try 3 boosters tonight, if I can get the nappy and wrap over them.

Maybe I need a bigger wrap??

It means I have less boosters available for daytime use, so more frequent changing, but only until the new stuff arrives.

Failing that I’m going to have to do a nightly nappy change at 4am or something ridiculous!