Illness in the House

DS2 has been sick this evening a total of eight times (so far) in three hours. I called NHS after the 6th time, but they said to soldier on and call back if it doesn’t settle and he shows signs of dehydration.

It’s been 35 minutes since the last vomit (although there isn’t anything left to come up). I’m hoping he’s going to get some proper sleep now.

It’s crossed my mind in the past that vomiting children might be enough to convince me not to have a third. But tonight, despite being on my own because DH is in India for work, having changed the cot bedding seven times, done three loads of washing and cleaned the sick off the cot, wall and floor, (and in the early part of the evening, DS1 was an enthusiastic audience to my chores, bouncing in his cot and singing Wee Willy Winky repeatedly), I’m not even close to thinking it’s a bad idea.

I’m relieved.

DS2 had his first visit to nursery yesterday, ready for my return to work on the 8th. 36 hours later he can’t keep anything down – I can’t prove it, but I know he picked up something while he was there. He’s supposed to be in for his first full day tomorrow, but that won’t be happening now.

Not that I am complaining (too much), as in most respects it is an excellent nursery, and DS1 has really enjoyed being there. However, it is a bit disconcerting that he got so violently sick so rapidly after going in.

Anyway, I am going to tentatively try to get some sleep, and hope that DS2 will rest now until morning.

Start of a New Month

I got my period!

This is the first one since stopping the pill, and it arrived yesterday on day 31, so I am actually really pleased that everything is working OK and I’ve not ceased ovulating or lost my regular cycle. No cramps or pain or anything either, so much, much better than the first two horrendous periods I had after giving birth (and the whole reason I started the pill in the first place – coping with contraction-like menstrual pain on 4 hours sleep a night is not my idea of fun).

So… another month to try again. Since sperm live 3-5 days and eggs are viable for about 24-48 hours, the plan is to do the BD every day from about day 7.

I am also completely off of sugar – have got through the first 3 days having none at all and I am feeling brilliant – really calm, alert and happy. I needed some paracetamol the first two days as I had such a bad headache, but it’s subsided really quickly.

The egg starts to ripen from day 1 of your cycle (actually, around 30-40 start to ripen but only one – or sometimes two – is released). So it’s actually even better than I’ve got my period now as I can start from fresh right from day 1 and make sure my diet is optimal for producing a healthy egg.

I’ve been taking my pre-natal vitamins for a couple of weeks now and eating lots and lots of fresh food, so this is a much better foundation to start trying. Yes, in an ideal world I’d spend 6 months on a healthy eating plan, but I am getting older by the day and feeling it, so I don’t want to put this off.

Also, I’m planning on a more radical approach to health, with a high raw diet – I’m having at least one salad meal a day, and some days I’ve had two.

Lucky I love vegetables, huh? 😉

I’m also building up to sorting through and getting rid of a lot more possessions. I want to simplify life as much as possible so I can focus on my children.

In other news I return to work three days a week as from next Friday, and tomorrow is DS2’s first settling in day at nursery. Working is going to be tough – it’s very hard to maintain a good diet in an office environment.

I feel so excited about everything though. I love a challenge 🙂

On The Verge of a Radical Change

I feel as though I’m on the verge of a big change. A lifestyle shift. A new start.

I’m really feeling the constraints of having too much stuff. I’ve been on a bit of a decluttering mission for the last few years and have finally reached a point where I can say that the contents of our house are all used and loved. We don’t have boxes of stuff archived away, or drawers full of things we’ve forgotten we even own. We can tidy the whole house pretty quickly and everything has a home.

But…

It doesn’t feel like enough. There’s still seemingly so much stuff for just four people.

And we spend money without thought, way more often than we need to.

I’m craving a greener, more thoughtful, more nourishing way of life and I think these changes are right in front of me, ready to be made soon.

I feel like it’s finally time to carve out my own path and follow it.

Another Month To Wait

Day 28 today, so did another test.

Negative.

Both previous times I had got a positive result by now, so I’m fairly certain I’m not pregnant this month. I also didn’t really get a clear indication that I was ovulating, as I usually do, so perhaps having come off the pill I just didn’t release an egg this month.

Feel disappointed and sad that it’s a whole month to get through again. How do people maintain their positive feelings when they try month after month and it doesn’t work?

The other thing with not being pregnant, is that it gives me more time to ruminate on whether getting pregnant is actually the right thing to be doing.

I am really disappointed, so in my heart I think I know what I want, but there is a sensible, logical, rational part of me that says,

“Stop. It’s easier with two.”

I’ve had niggling backache for days on end and am so tearful I will cry at anything. Must be the classic PMS – although it’s hard to remember what real, regular periods were like, they have been so disrupted over the last few years.

Feeling pretty sad today, but on the plus side can drink a large glass of wine without guilt this evening.

Where Has My Hippy Gone?

When I was younger, I had ideals of growing my own veg, living off the land, avoiding the constraints of 9-5 society, and being a free spirit.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve slowly been sucked into a life that seems to be the complete opposite. I worry about the size of our house – and not just because we might put another baby in it (shallow, I know) – the age of my car, the type of clothes I wear, my intellect, my job, the level of respect I have from colleagues, peers, in-laws, parents, friends, and all sorts of other things – and they are things – that just shouldn’t really be that important.

The shift has been gradual and surreptitious. I’m not sure when it started, but here I am.

Stressed out, anxious seemingly all the time, and constantly carrying around a feeling of dissatisfaction, but with what I’m not even really sure.

I cried at a playdate this morning. The weather has turned unbearably hot after weeks and weeks of rain, and after 3 hours of not being able to play properly with my toddler because I was manhandling a sticky baby (south facing garden, no shade anywhere to put him down), I had had enough. A few tears, pulled myself together and I took my boys home.

It shouldn’t be this way. My anxiety levels, stress levels, whatever you want to call them are permanently stuck on red alert. I am paranoid about accidents and live in desperate fear of one of my children getting hurt. It’s killing me.

Why am I like this? I judge myself by everyone else, and not by my own standards (I think I get this from my mother). I can’t relax and let my children enjoy themselves, I worry about sunburn, wasp stings, grass rash, bashed heads, scraped knees, falling off chairs, tripping over, choking, in-fighting and pushing and shoving, you name it, I’ve already foreseen the entire accident and the consequences (usually fatal).

It’s almost like by imaging the absolute worst that can happen at any given second, I can prevent it by seeing it coming. But imagining the worst that can happen all day long is starting to take it’s toll after 2.5 years. Add a baby into the mix and the last 9 months have been double the stress.

What would a third do?

Finish me off!

I want to be carefree, healthy, uninterested in unnecessary material gain, focused on things like quality playtime, nutritious food, and meaningful relationships, live closer to nature and feel that I am being true to myself. I secretly want to be an earth mother.

So.

How do I get from here to there?

How do I find myself again?

I guess like anything, it has to be one small step at a time.

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