20 Week Scan

I am HALFWAY there!!! I had my scan today and everything is fine. More than fine – it’s even better than my last pregnancy where I had to go back because the placenta was just over the edge of the cervix. In fact, everything was just wonderful – in that eerie way that everything about this pregnancy has been so far. Baby was in the perfect position for everything, and they checked the whole caboodle, from skin and face to brains and kidneys and hands and feet. No more scans required – I’ve been sent home to grow the baby and give birth in 20 weeks time. Crikey.

So, a brief update.

Firstly, I am feeling a MILLION times better now. I think in the last week or so I’ve finally reached a point of balance. I feel well, energetic, healthy and happy.

My skin is now halfway between awful and completely fine. It’s no longer a total embarrassment to be seen outside with, but it’s not quite gone. I really think the probiotics, and extra vitamin C and D have helped. I suppose also it’s longer since I stopped the prednisolone so my whole system should be settling down.

Exercise – I have started to exercise!! I’ve downloaded a great app called Moms Into Fitness and am following the second trimester workouts. They are short, and I have really enjoyed them this week – for the first time it feels really good to be moving again. I’m feeling really excited about getting fitter and I am finally going to get back into running after this baby is here – I’ve waited years to resume my running habit (always postponing it because I might get pregnant), and I’ve found myself thinking about it so much recently – it’s like the right time is finally coming around. In the meantime I’m building up my strength and cardio and doing some yoga too and I’m loving it. Ahhhh – I love that feeling of getting fitter!!!

Finally, my weight gain has exploded over the last three weeks. I am gaining well over a pound a week now, whereas before it was much slower. I started to track my calories (on MyFitnessPal), for the first time in years to see where I was going wrong. Turns out I’m eating almost a third of my daily intake in snacks (oops), and consuming around 2,300 cals a day (far too much for my size and weight, even allowing for extra pregnancy cals), so now I’m trying to eat larger main meals and hold off on all the stuff in between.

The average weight gain in trimester 2 and 3 is supposed to be about pound a week (after none in trimester 1 – yeah, right!), but that just seems crazy to me – I’ll end up the size of a house.

However, saying that, my total weight gain for 4-20 weeks is 3.6kg, or 8lbs, which I am pretty pleased with. As long as I can get a grip on my current eating habits, I should be fine.

Here’s a photo:

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The eagle eyed will spy the new moses basket (yep – I actually ordered a baby item – when it turned up I almost cried), and our old baby car seat. This is the spare room, which was used as an office and it’s still being cleared out. The main computer is now downstairs, and I need husband to help me get the desk out. The changing table is currently sitting in the middle of the room. It’s all a work in progress 🙂

I’ve retrieved all the baby clothes from the loft (not that we had many saved after all this time), and once the desk is out we’ll set up the cot that’s still up there.

Now we’ve reached the halfway point I am feeling SO much better about everything. I lie in bed at night and in the morning, feeling the baby kicking and punching and wiggling around and I just feel like I am the luckiest and happiest person in the whole world. I’d relive every moment of the last three years, all over again without question, to get here. At the time, when you lose yet another pregnancy, or you’re haemorrhaging away in A&E, or you see what feels like the billionth pregnancy announcement on Facebook, or you sit praying and praying for that second line on a test and you get another effing NOTHING, it all feels so awful, so overwhelming, so endless and so depressing. For every person that told us we should stop doing this to ourselves, and for every person who said maybe it was meant to be… I know in part that these comments come because people who care about you don’t like to see you suffer, but they are not helpful.

I had weeks when I felt I had no fight left. When I wanted to curl up and die from the pain and unfairness of it all, when it felt like I had become a complete ghost of the person I was and I hated my own bitterness and cynicism, when my default mood was anger and jealously and I thought I’d never, ever be the same again, when I drank too much and hated the world and every pregnant person in it, and took it out on my own body.

In some ways I am grateful for that time. It’s been the hardest and longest journey, but it’s taught me so much about myself. About self-acceptance, about allowing for good days and bad days, about standing up for what I want, about being more assertive, about clarifying what it important to me, and about the overriding importance of self-care, above everything else. Because if we do not look after our bodies and minds, how can we fully care for anyone else?

But most of all it has taught me that time passes. Maybe it’s partly a wisdom that comes with age, but in the early days of my journey I was desperately aware of every single calendar day that we checked off. Here we are, three years later, and does it matter? Actually, not at all. It doesn’t matter that it didn’t happen when we first started trying in April 2012. It’s okay that it’s now 2015 and we’re only just getting there. Time passes, no matter what you do and I think that has been the biggest revelation. Life doesn’t run on a schedule, and thank goodness. I feel richer in time now than I ever have done, even though I’m older than I’ve ever been in my life. One day I won’t be around any more, but until that happens, I have all the time in the world.

And so do you.

Much love

Fxxx

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