12+1

Twelve weeks. Waking up yesterday morning to the knowledge that I was twelve weeks felt very surreal. It’s the number bandied around so carelessly: “the 12 week scan”. It’s a milestone. A huge milestone.

Today I had my “12 week scan”, or at least, the private version of it, because I’m still happily unknown by the midwife system.

The baby (my baby!), was asleep on his back, legs and arms floating up in the amniotic fluid. The scanner said the nuchal fold was a “dream” to scan because the baby was in the perfect position. Today’s scan results:

  • My nuchal fold came in at 1.3mm. That’s about as thin as it gets and is around the 5th percentile.
  • It reduced my background risk of Downs (based on nuchal only) from 1:101 to 1:503.
  • All other risk factors associated with a large nuchal measurement have therefore gone away.
  • Baby has hands and feet, which we looked at today, and brain looks normal for this gestation.
  • Apparently there is a good amount of amniotic fluid around the baby.
  • He is measuring 12w4d, which is exactly a week on from last Tuesday, and is still 3 days ahead of my dates.

What is leaving me totally baffled is that every time I go for a scan, it’s all perfect. Honestly – it feels almost… ridiculous. I came out today and wondered if I should buy a lottery ticket, because I am clearly having a run of luck here like no other.

So, as grotty, and horrible and awful as I feel on the outside, I am still capable of growing what looks (so far) like a perfectly healthy baby on the inside.

I still cannot quite believe this is the case.

I came home, and you know what? I didn’t have anything to Google.

Nothing.

Nothing to research, nothing to look up, nothing at all that I could possibly have even the tiniest iota of concern about.

So, instead I looked at the pictures, and today’s video (which shows nothing more than baby sleeping, his heart beating away nicely), and then I had a cry.

Because I really don’t know what else to do with myself. I suppose I should be phoning people, sharing my news, sharing tears of joy with others, but it’s the last thing I want to do. I have this rapidly growing secret that I am still completely at a loss, emotionally, of how to deal with. I can’t even handle my own reaction, so I know I’m not going to be able to deal with anyone else’s.

One more week and we should have the Harmony (genetic) test results back. And in 13 days I’ll be at the start of the second trimester. The second trimester.

Sigh.

Otherwise, things are ticking along. I’ve been sugar free for 5 days now, and coincidentally (?) my nausea has downgraded itself from debilitating-all-day to debilitating-in-the-evenings. This is great news, as it means I’m feeling a bit more human and a bit happier than I have been. I’m still going to bed at around 8pm each evening.

My sugar cravings are now in full force, but so far I’ve stayed away. My skin is really bad, but today it’s not as red and angry as it has been. Slow progress, but I’m hanging in there. I did read that coming off prednisolone can trigger acne as your immune system effectively starts back up. Oh great.

Overall, I’m feeling tired, heavy, sick, and uncomfortable inside this skin of mine that looks so angry and spotty. And alongside that, in total awe and amazement of this baby that is so happily growing away inside what feels like the shell of the woman I was a few years ago.

My husband says I’m starting to look a little more bloated now, but it’s all intestines hanging over the top of my jeans. I’m hanging out as usual in my normal clothes, so really I just look like I’m getting fat. Fat and spotty just about sums it up really 😉

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